i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
