he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
