My ATM looks so different sober.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
