I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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