An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Randomize
