Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
