haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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