Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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