how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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