You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
quick i need to know how implid consent works for golf carts
too late i think im gettin a gcui
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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