After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
