I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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