chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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