When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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