does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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