omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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