Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
