sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
