zippers are such a cool invention
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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