there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
