Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
