How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Randomize
