I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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