My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
