After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
