Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
