it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
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