Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
