i was rollin on her like bob the builder
you would pick up someone in the library
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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