btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
