The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
