She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
