Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
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