"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
