eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
