I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
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