At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
