I think I died a long time ago.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Mom said you looked used
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
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