his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
