I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
