ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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