Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
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