My Higher Power is John Stamos
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
