I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
