How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
