Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
