Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
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