I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
