it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
