every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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