If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
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